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When A Man Loves A Woman
Disclamer: Marvel characters belong to
Marvel and are used without
permission for no monetary gain.
This story takes place between Jean's death and Scott's
befriending of Lee. The poet he speaks of is Sufi mystic Jelalludin Rumi.
When A Man Loves A Woman
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When I remember your love,
I weep, and when I hear people
talking of you,
something in my chest,
where nothing much happens now,
moves as in sleep.
~Jelalludin Rumi
A poet once said that lovers don't finally meet
somewhere. They're in each other
all along.
That was true for you and I.
The first moment I saw you I knew that you were meant for me, and I for
you. I
felt my soul pulled toward yours, by yours. My heart recognized you. I
wish I
had known then that you felt the same way.
I was too shy to tell you, too insecure; but most of all, I was too
afraid. And
so I worshipped you from afar.
I was awed by your beauty, your intelligence, your strength, your
kindness. Your
laughter made me want to cry. I couldn't though, for I was the stoic,
the
responsible one. Instead, I watched you, too blind to see you watching
me.
I saw you with another man, our friend, and I was jealous; not so much
because
you were with him, but because he was able to tell you how he felt. No
one knew
my feelings, no one could possibly know, I kept them hidden so
carefully.
I thought it was love; but it wasn't, not yet. I know now that I didn't
know the
meaning of the word. To call what I felt then love would be a betrayal
of what
was to come.
Then you left and I thought it was because of something I had done when
it was
because of something I hadn't done. You thought I didn't care. You
couldn't have
been more wrong.
I gathered all of my courage and I told you what was in my heart. And a
miracle
happened when you told me what was in yours. I was so happy that I
didn't see
that you weren't.
I shut you out, more painfully than before because now you knew that I
cared and
you didn't understand why I pushed you away, why I only allowed you a
peek at my
soul while you laid yours bare for me. I couldn't tell you I knew I was
going to
lose you as I had everyone else I ever cared for; I didn't want to let
you get
too close, I wanted to protect myself from the hurt, even if it meant
hurting
you.
Then he came. I knew he wanted you, he made that clear. I also saw that
you
wanted him, and that terrified me. What frightened me more was that deep
inside
I knew that he had come to understand you better in a few days than I
had in
years. His presence allowed me to see all of who you were; but I said
nothing. I
expected you to go to him, I gave you opportunity. You surprised me by
leaving,
alone.
I sought you out, I tried to get you to see how much I cared; and fate
intervened. You gave your life so that we might live. That was when I
began to
know what it is to truly love someone.
You came back to me and I thought I would die if I lost you again. I
poured out
my soul to you, but you didn't hear me. I knew you couldn't, I wasn't
ready to
have you hear yet.
When you awoke you were different; but still very much the same. I
didn't
realize it then, what the change was. You had become a woman. You
weren't going
to wait for me, you weren't going to ask me what to do. You still loved
me
though, I knew you did; but our roles had been reversed. It was you who
shut me
out, you who didn't want to share what was in your soul.
I didn't know there was so much pain inside you. I wish I had, things
might have
been different.
I tried to reach out to you and you pushed me away, then pulled me back.
Always
keeping me at a safe distance. You didn't know that every time you
pulled me
near, a part of me was left with you and a little bit of you with me.
Then you were gone and I shut down my heart, refusing to even
acknowledge the
loss of you. The others thought I was cold, cruel, unfeeling - they
thought I
had never really loved you. They didn't know I had loved you too much. I
didn't
even know myself.
Time passed and I started crawling out of my shell, as you had taught
me. I
didn't feel like I was betraying you when I started seeing another
woman, I felt
like I was honoring you and the gift of life you had imparted to me. If
it
hadn't been for you, I would have never learned to live.
I found out that it had all been a mistake. You were alive; but far from
well,
although I did not know it then. Something was eating away at you,
slowly
destroying you.
This is when I finally realized what love was and I told you, I opened
up to
you, and for awhile, you did the same. I have never been happier.
You told me things that were happening to you, things that scared you. I
took
them seriously, not seriously enough. I never dreamed that something so
horrible
could happen to you, could have been done to you.
You were twisted by evil, made evil; but I never believed that you were
evil.
Through it all I could see your soul; and while it became almost
completely
blackened by the darkness, I never lost sight of the shining center of
light,
struggling to survive as you drowned. I was desperate to save you and I
couldn't. It broke my heart.
They said you had to die. God help me, a part of me agreed. I stood up
for you,
stood by you, as you would have done for me. They said I was blinded by
my love.
They were wrong. I have never seen more clearly.
Again, you kept things from me. Why? Why didn't you tell me that you had
made up
your mind then about what you would do? Why didn't you let me help you
from the
beginning? I will never understand what made you think you had to hide
from me,
why you thought you'd disappoint me, what made you think you weren't
good enough
for me. My love, I was the one who didn't deserve you.
You lost control and the leader part of me reacted, knowing you had to
be taken
down; but my heart screamed as I tried to destroy you. You never gave me
the
chance.
Why? I wake in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, the last images
of you
before you killed yourself forever branded in my mind, the question
'Why?' on my
lips.
Why? I might never know. I hope that one day I can at least understand.
I felt
what you were going through, how helpless you were, how desperate, how
lost; and
I cry for you, since I can no longer cry with you.
I promise you that I will do more than cry. I will live. You gave me so
much,
and I feel as if I gave you nothing; so I will use what you instilled in
me,
learn to be happy, learn to let others in. You were the first to touch
my soul,
but you will not be the last. I will be your legacy, I will remind
people what
was good and true in you by example. You forever changed me; and even if
you had
lived a thousand years I wouldn't have been able to repay you.
A poet once said that lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in
each other
all along.
That was true for you and I.
It still is.
FINIS
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