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Waiting For Jean: Part 2
SPIFFY DISCLAIMER THINGIE!!!
I don't own them (mores the pity!); they're Marvel's and Ah'm usin'em
without permission:):) Ah ain't makin' a plug nickel! If
ya'll sue me
Scotty is gonna be right *peeved* ... <VBEG>
Rated G for absolute purity of content! No sex, no drugs, no rock
and
roll:):)
This is a sequel of sorts to moi's story "Waiting For
Jeannie"! The
triangle between Jean, Logan, and Scott has long fascinated moi!
"Waiting For Jeannie" was from Logan's POV. This one is
from
Scott's:):)
"Waiting For Jeannie can be found at:
www.geocities.com/Area51/Keep/4026/WaitingJeannie.html
Enjoy!:):)
You sit quietly and wait. Charles has told you many times that you
must cultivate this virtue. Be patient, he always advises you.
Charles is a wise man and you have always heeded his advice. You
believe in his Dream, yes, you do. It is imperative that you
believe. For if mutants and humans cannot live together in peace
then you are lost. You are not one of the ones who can hide what
they are. Magneto cannot be right. He cannot. ... can he?
You have struggled to believe; to do your best to bring The Dream to
fruition. For most of your life you have struggled. You have
fought and trained; raised your voice in quiet opposition to the man who
has been your father since he succored you as a lost and frightened boy.
And you have not counted the cost.
Except maybe for Jean.
The thought that your battle may have cost you the woman you love is
devastating to you. From the beginning there was Jean. The
moment you saw her you were lost. Lost in those clear emerald eyes
and that glorious smile. When you cried, "Good girl,
Jean!" in the midst of a battle, she alone could hear you saying
"I love you!" even before she became the powerful telepath she
is today. She has always known you. The real you; not this cold
martinet you all too often show to others. You have sometimes wondered
if it entirely by accident that the two people who know and love you
best, Jean and Charles, are potent telepaths. The thought that you
are so closed off, so tied up within your self that no one else can
really see you is not pleasant. How did that happen? You do
not know. But Jean's happiness is not an option. It was when you realize
that this is true for Logan as well that you began to understand him.
After all, you have at least *one* thing in common. It is not
difficult for you to see why he loves her. And he does love her.
It shines in his eyes when he looks at her; that soft contentment and
deep longing. It was easy to recognize. You see it every day
mirrored in your own eyes. Anxiously, you scan the doorway of the
small boathouse that is your home, searching for a shock of long
red hair, a ready glimpse of jade green eyes. Your hands
knot reflexively into fists at your side. Carefully, deliberately
you unfurl them. No. Anger is not the answer. You will avoid
that trap. You have failed at many things in your life, but you
will not fail at this. You failed as a husband to Madelyn because
she was not Jean and you wanted her to be. You failed as a father
to Nathan because there was no time. Slymm was not enough to save him
from becoming Cable. You failed to protect Alex, your little
brother and he died. It occurs to you that
you have failed almost everyone you care about ...
Except maybe for Jean.
Others have failed you as well. That is the nature of humanity. Charles
loves you in his cool, distant way but it has not stopped him from using
you terribly. You are his son in all but blood. Yet time
after time he has sent you to fight for him because his crippled body
will not let him; to lead the only friends you have ever known into the
jaws of Hell. And they have always followed you. There are
times you can scarcely fathom your unworthiness for the procession of
such brothers and sisters.
Your natural father, Corsair has failed you too. He abandoned you.
Abandoned you to the machination of Mister Sinister and his hellish
orphanage. To Charles' well intended training and the increasing
pain of life as a mutant; an outsider. He did not wish to leave
you alone and bereft. He had no choice. You understand this.
And yet ... yet ... He was not there for either of your weddings.
He was not there for the birth of his grandson. He was not there
when you buried Alex. You have forgiven him for his initial
abandonment. You will never forgive him for the continual, ongoing
abandonment he practices now.
Cable has failed you too. He has failed to nurture that part of
him that Slymm and Redd worked so hard to keep alive. He has
guarded his heart with such steely barriers that you fear he may be
unreachable now. Perhaps Domino may break through where you could
not. But through it all Jean has been there. Not once have
you reached for her hand and grasped the empty air. She is a part
of you. A part of you that warms you when the dreams come in the
frightening depths of the night. Yes, Jean has always been there.
Like a part of your body that cannot be torn away without great pain and
blood. You cannot imagine yourself without her. There are
time when you are sure that everyone you know has failed you in some
fashion or another.
Except maybe for Jean.
You are sitting quietly more than twenty feet away, alone on the bed you
share, and still the tremble of her lips tears at your heart as she
steps through the door and quietly closes it behind her. She holds
out her hand to you and the simple gold circle of her wedding band
gleams brightly in the soft light of the small home the two of you have
forged against such terrible odds. In a great rush the breath you
have been unknowingly holding flies from your lungs with a great whoosh.
You can breathe again now. It amazes you that everyone cannot hear
your great shout of joy. But it is buried deep within you like an
iceberg floating on the surface of the sea, the most of it submerged and
not visible to the eye. For a moment the sheer joy of it stuns
you. She slips as silently into your arms as she slipped into your
heart. You hold her for long moments and the two of you cling to one
another; nothing more. Her breath is warm against your damp skin
but the feel of her body is sweet. Your damning eyes see the gentle rise
and fall of her breasts, up and down, up and down. If you could
describe your vision of Heaven to another person it would be to see
Jean's face again, as it is, unencumbered by your ruby quartz prison.
Her eyes are calm and full of love. But the rest of her shakes and
trembles under the assault of sadness and loss. Your heart
remembers the feel of her happiness at Logan's smile, the sound of her
laughter, the touch of her hand. The echo of her voice releasing your
name with a final caress. She desired you. No one else
before her had ever done this for you. She loves you and thereby
taught you your own worth. No one else had ever cared enough to
teach you this simple thing.
Except maybe for Jean.
It is clear that she will be staying with you. She will not go
with Logan. No, she will stay with you and her family. You,
who have scarcely known a family. It would be easy, now, to
shout in triumph; to exalt in your victory. Easy and damaging.
These are selfish things. Her eyes ... those beautiful emerald
gates to your happiness, sparkle now with unshed tears, stabbing at you
with sharp, merciless blades. Does she need Logan so badly, you
wonder? Is he that important to her? Perhaps, without him,
your Phoenix is not complete? Disturbing thoughts. But how
true are they? Truer than you would like them to be, of that you
are certain.
When the first scalding tear trickles down Jeans face, you are lost.
Wordless, you reach for her. Like a falling oak, The Phoenix,
Tiphareth, Child of The Sun, lowers her head onto your chest and weeps.
Your body moistened with her tears, you join her. It is clear to
you now what must be done. But ... can you do it? Can you?
It's a simple thing, really. So very simple. All you have to
do is say the word. Let her know that she is free. That you will
not cage her. She is your Phoenix, risen from the ashes ... and
that she must follow her heart wherever it leads her. It's not too
late. Logan, you know, will return, eventually. Simple ...
so very simple ... All you have to do is open your mouth and speak.
All you have to do is tear out your heart.
"God, I'm sorry, Jean," you whisper in her ear, "I'm so
sorry ...."
With trembling lips you kiss her eyes closed to shut out the sight of
her pain. The sharp, salt tang of her tears is almost
overpowering, invading your body, becoming a part of you. You
stroke her hair. Beneath your caress she seems to quiet, like a wild
animal brought to sudden, inexplicable domestication. You've seem
Logan do that and it always amazes you. She lifts her head and
tries to smile, a wan effort.
"I want her to see my eyes," you think in desperation.
But she cannot. No one can. Even you have forgotten what color
they are.
<They're brown. I haven't forgotten. I love you, Scott
Summers.>
<Jean ... I-I ... I won't stop you. If you need him ... if you
want him ... if he makes you happy ... Just as long as there's a little
room left for me ... >
There. It is done. It is said. There is no going back
now, is there?
Startled, she regards you closely, searching for the truth. You
must dig deep for the joy she needs to see. Like a fountain, it wells up
within you and comes spilling out your eyes. Joy begets joy and
the relief and happiness you see mirrored on that beautiful face are
worth whatever pain has given them birth. Her arms enfold you and
her hand curls around the back of your neck protectively. Her hand
spreads over your chest, just above your heart .
<How could there not be? Room for you? Of course there's
room for you in my heart. You *are* my heart, Scott Summers.>
And then she is within you, quietly ghosting along the corridors of your
mind, leaving soothing love and joy in her wake. Her joy is your
joy, a part of you now, just as she is. Whatever happens now, you
have made Jean happy. Nothing can take that from you.
Nothing.
Still you sit quiet, but no loner alone and no longer waiting. You
will never be alone. What will happen now you do not know. Jean is
the one who will decide. If she takes Logan as a lover, then you
will be happy for the joy they share. Jean's happiness will not
diminish your own; only increase it. If she loves Logan that does
not diminish her love for you. Is the human heart so small that
there can be room for only one within it? No. Jean loves
you. It is enough.
As you hear the jeep pull away from the house with a plaintive roar; you
spy the quick flash of pain in Jean's eyes and flinch as though the
agony were lodged in your own body. Jean is swift to shield you
from her psychic pain through the link you share. Amazed, you
enfold her in strong arms, silently, feeling unworthy. You have
always felt unworthy. But Jean has taught you differently, hasn't
she? It is in striving to accept her love, to be worthy of it,
that you have discovered your own worth. That is a battle you have
won at last. Jean's last gift to you.
Your name is Scott Summers and they tell you that you are the Leader of
The X-Men. The best of them all; Charles' avatar ... That
you are a noble man and fine leader. You have endured and done
your best to be a
good man. They tell you that you have succeeded. You have
done many brave things and many hard and difficult things in your short
life ... and in all that life you fear that no has ever really loved you
...
Except maybe for Jean.
The End
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