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To Love This Child
English is not my native language. Please forgive me my
mistakes.
Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to
Marvel , 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of
amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the
author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without
permission of the author.
Timeline: Set from Cable's birth and to the end.
Universe: Set in the comic universe.
Pairing: Scott/Jean
Summary: Scott's feelings towards his first born son through the years..
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. (Use Feedback Button)
Rating: PG
Dedicated to: Helene, Julia, Jemi, April and Jaguarita. Thanks for your
kindness and friendship.
Thanks to Christina for the Beta and the story idea.
This fic is for Christina . It is my small way for saying thanks for all
her hard work.
*mmmm * is telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. " mmmmm
" is spoken out loud.
Part 1:
He had gotten a son. He was a father. As he looked down at the small
child in his arms, his heart filled with love and wonder. This was his
son. This was a life he and his wife had made. Yet he haven't been there
for him or for Madelyne. Where had he been when she had given birth? Out
saving the world. Yet again. She had been alone. He of all people knew
the pain of loneliness. He should have been here. Yet he couldn't be two
places at once and his loyalties were diverted. He wanted to be there
for Madelyne and Nathan. He wanted his son to have a father. The best
father. The family he had never had. Yet he owned Xavier so much and he
couldn't preach about a dream if he didn't do something himself for it.
If he wasn't ready to sacrifice something, wasn't ready to fight for it.
Now, as he looked down into his son's blue eyes he knew that the one
thing; the dream he should have fought for should have been Nathan's. It
should have been him who came first. He wanted Nathan to have a good
life where he wasn't feared for the powers he would have. He wanted him
to lead a life of peace and happiness. But to give his son all those
things fighting was necessary. He had been forced to choose and he had
left with the X-men. Well, now he didn't have to choose anymore. Now, he
only had Nathan and Madelyne. He had the family he had always wanted
within his grip. He should be happy. A part of him was happy, more happy
than he had ever been before in his life. But another part of him.said
that this wasn't right. He had always believed that inaction equals
murder. So what if he was safe in his small piece of Paradise if the
rest of the world suffered? As he saw his infant son smile at him, his
heart made the decision over his head. Hadn't he fought enough? Hadn't
he paid enough? Let someone else fight for a while. For now, he only
wanted to be Scott Summers. To be the father of a child. To be the
father of Nathan Christopher Charles Summers.
Part 2:
Jean was back. How could that be? He had seen her die. He had felt her
die. If there had been any chance at all, even the tinniest one, he'll
have searched for her till the end of the world if needs be. He'll never
have given up if not he had seen her die with his own eyes. But now.she
was back. And not only was she back but he had only needed laying eyes
on her once to know that the wild beating of his heart meant that he
wasn't over her. He still loved her. He knew he shouldn't. He was a
married man. If he hadn't loved Madelyne he would never had married her
but now he wondered why exactly he had married her. He wasn't one to
make rash, illogical decisions but his courtship with Madelyne had
without a doubt been the shortest ever. As he was now forced to weight
his love for Jean against his love for Madelyne he found that she paled
like a copy in comparison with the shining light which he held in his
heart for Jean. He didn't want to hurt Madelyne. He didn't want to hurt
Jean. He didn't want to hurt anyone. But he couldn't have it all. He was
forced to choose. When it came down to it only one thing prevented him
from going to Jean's side instantly. Only one person prevented him from
being near her to make sure she was real. He'll not lose her again as he
had before but he didn't want to lose what he had either. He walked to
his and Madelyne´s bedroom and picked up Nathan from his cradle and
gently rocked him in his arms. The small boy smiled toothlessly up at
him, his eyes and face so full of trust and love that Scott felt a tear
run down his cheek. Only Nathan prevented him from leaving right now.
Only Nathan and the love which he bore for the small boy made him
consider if trying to keep his marriage together and losing Jean wasn't
worth it if Nathan could then get a happy childhood. If first he left
what kind of life did he offer his son? If he left what kind of father
and husband was he? Yet if he stayed what kind of man was he? Then he'll
betray the love he held for Jean and he'll do the thing he always ha
he'll do nothing. He'll let others fight for his dream. He'll let others
fall in his place. Even as his heart was being torn in two he knew the
answer. He had to leave. That was the kind of man he was. His whole life
had been one long battle but no combat decision had ever been as hard as
the action he was forced to do now as he kissed the boy on the cheek, a
tear falling from his eyes as he placed the precious small child in his
cradle. He kneeled beside it and took hold of his small hand as he sung
"Wish Upon A Star" for him. His voice broke down several
places and tears blinded his vision as he ended the song and he saw that
Nathan had fallen asleep. He stood and with one last look at the small
boy in the cradle, he forced himself to walk away, not looking back at
what he was leaving behind for if he did he'll never be able to go.
Part 3:
All the dreams and all the hopes he had had for Nathan. All what he
wanted to do with him. All gone. Slowly he walked towards Rachel but
stopped before he reached her. He looked at the small child in his arms.
It was all his fault. Had Nathan been fathered by any other, even his
brother, this would never had happened. He had failed him in the worst
possible way as he had failed his mother. He should have searched more
for Madelyne. He should have tried to work things out with her. A never
dying love for one woman did not give him the right to leave another
behind. He hadn´t wanted to hurt her. He hadn't wanted to hurt Nathan.
But he had. He had hurt them both and now he was losing them both. First
Madelyne and now even Nathan. The child was sick. He had to give him up.
He had to. His mind knew it but his heart wasn't listening. What kind of
father abandoned his child? He had lived without his own father, without
his family all through his childhood. He did not wish that for Nathan.
He had wanted him to have a happy life. To have a normal upbringing with
a father and a mother who loved him. Now, his mother was dead and his
father was getting ready to send him off into the unknown. His mind knew
this to be necessary. It was the only way. But his heart.wouldn't let
go. His arms closed around the small boy even as Rachel reached for him.
He wouldn't give him up. He couldn't. All the things he never had had
the time to show him. The park, the ducks, the toy store or even the
baker's shop. Normal things. Normal wishes in a crazy age. He had spent
so little time with him. He had been too busy fighting. Fighting, always
fighting. Not even enough time to say "I love you". Had he
only known their time would be so short he'll have spent every living
moment with him. Had he only known.before he had become a father nothing
had been more important than the Dream, save Jean. For Jean he would
sacrifice a thousand dreams and break a million vows. But from the day
when he had first held Nathan in his arms he had known that his li
million dreams. This was one person, one life he'll choose to save
over millions. When he had left, he had left in the belief that it was
for the best. That he fought for a better future for Nathan. Fought so
Nathan didn't have to. Now, as he stood by the end of the road he wasn't
sure if his decision had been right. So what if the rest of the world
went to Hell, literally? If Nathan and Jean could be safe..if Nathan
could live...Scott's eyes found and held Nathan's small blue ones. Even
now he succeeded in giving his father a small smile so full of trust and
love. It tore his heart in two to see that trust, knowing he'll betray
it in seconds. With tears in his eyes Scott did what he had to. He held
Nathan out to Rachel. He was letting him go. Letting him be taken away.
He was losing him. He was losing him. He was losing his son. He was
losing his heart.
Part 4:
This was too much to ask. Too much to demand of a child as young as
Nathan. Why did he have to save the world? Why him? Let someone else do
it. Why? Slym pressed the boy to him as he sat in his and Redd`s small
home. Was this what he had sent Nathan to? A world covered in pain and
blood? Was this what he had given him up for? Was this the new chance he
had gotten? Slym stroked the boy's hair as Nathan lay his head on his
chest. Slym´s heart was breaking. Such trust, even now. If he knew he
was the one who had abandoned him would he still trust him? Would he
still answer his "I love you" with a "Me too"? Did
he even deserve his love? Hadn't he lost that right long ago?
He didn't know what kind of pains and aguish lay ahead for Nathan but he
knew the pain would be great and the losses severe. His life would be
one long battle without any hope or love. He didn't deserve that. No one
did but his little boy, his Nathan, didn't deserve this. Why him? Why?
Why couldn't he just be a normal child with normal problems? Why did the
world's fate have to his fate? He wished he could take all that pain
which Nathan would surely one day face, into himself. He wished he could
protect him. He wished he could take him within his love and never let
him go. He wished he never had be afraid or sad. He wished..he wished he
could give him the world, neatly packed in glimmering paper and tell
him;
" Here son. This is for you. You can play now. You can relax now.
There is nothing to fear,"
He wished he could do that. He wished he could take away every tear
which had and would ever fall from his blue eyes and make them into
pearls of silver. He wished...oh, he wished so many things for him. He
wished he'll never be alone. He wished he'll never be afraid. He
wished...he wished he was allowed to be a child. He wished he had time
to play. He wished that for one moment in time he didn't have to think
about matters bigger than himself.
Slym looked at the boy in his arms. He had fallen asleep, feeling safe
within his arms and Slym bent down and planted a soft kiss on the top of
the boy's head. This peace.This safety...it was all an illusion but a
illusion he wished he could allow Nathan to have forever. A illusion
that he wished never had to be broken by tears, pain and blood. The boy
had already seen far too much, felt far too many deaths and pains. He
deserved some peace, he deserved some happiness. He deserved love. Slym
knew that he could never give him all what he wished for him. That was
beyond him. If he could have, he'll gladly haven traded his soul if it
would give Nathan a long and happy life without any fears. But even
through Slym was offering, no one was buying. It was a deal he couldn't
make. He could give Nathan only one thing; his undying love. It wasn't
much, it could never save him or keep him safe yet it was all he had to
give. It was the only gift he could put at his son's feet, the child
called The Chosen, it was but a emotion but it was one as strong as
stone. Maybe, one day, Nathan would be able to receive that gift of love
even when he knew the truth..and forgive him.
Part 5:
There wasn't much time. It was now or never. Scott didn't stop to think
about what he was doing, what he was leaving behind. He only thought
about one thing; his son was in danger. No one would harm any of his
children. Not as long as he still breathed. He ran and pushed Nate out
of the way to safety but even when his joy at his son's safety floated
through him like sweet spring water, he felt his mind being torn apart.
He was dying and he knew it.
His first thought went to Jean. His wonderful Jean. His love and his
light. Life hadn't been kind to them but he had gotten her back so
anything else was forgotten. Through darkness and pain, their love had
always shined through. He didn't know if she could hear him but his mind
formed the words;
*Jean, words are poor but it is all I've got. I love you. First with you
did I find the true meaning of these three words. Without your love and
guidance I don't know what I would have done. You are everything to me
and I love you as much today as the first day I saw you. Jean, you are
my own personal dream. You're my own personal Angel*
His red gaze searched and found Nathan. His son, his first born. The
source for all his pride and joy, the source for all his pain and grief.
All the dreams and hopes he had had when he had been born had never come
to pass. Nathan had lived a full life, now older than his own father. He
was scarred by battle and loss. This was the life Scott had wished to
spare him from. This was the life Scott had hoped he never had to live.
He reached out and let his tortured mind form the words;
* Nathan, time always seem to be against us. I can never say with words
what my heart feels but I'll try. You mean more to me than anything
else. I wanted you to be safe. I wanted you to be happy. I never wished
this life for you. I wished you a life filled with joy and laughter, not
sadness and tears. My greatest regret in life is not spending more time
with you. Is that I had to give you up. That I missed all those years.
That even your childhood was marked by darkness. My son, know that I
couldn't be prouder of anyone than I am of you. You survived. Through it
all you pulled though. I regret that I wasn't there to help you, to
guide you, to wipe away your tears and take you in my arms. My son, my
pride, my love for you will live on even after I'm gone. Know that now;
I loved you and always will.*
He saw Nathan reach for him and knew he had been heard and the tears on
Jean cheeks told him she had too. His thoughts found his other children.
Rachel was a image of her mother. Pure, kind and always there to lean a
helping hand. As with Jean, his love for her had always been a easy one.
Now, Nate Grey on the other hand..the boy was wild, uncontrolled and
hot-tempered. In many ways he reminded him of his brother. And as with
his brother his love for him had been natural but difficult. However,
when in trouble as now, he would always be there for him. Nate wasn't
the most trusting person and with his life, his upbringing if one could
call it that, Scott understood. Scott had always told of his love for
his loved ones most clearly through actions and if this, his last action
for his son, Nate, didn't speak of love than no words he might have
uttered would speak of that love more clearly. He wouldn't say that he
had a favourite of all his children but as Nathan had been the only one
of them he had ever held in his arms, his bond, his love for his first
born son shone brighter than for the others. He couldn't help it for his
mind and heart had pictures of a baby smiling up at him, of a small boy
falling asleep in his arms and then of a man, grim and scarred from a
life long war. It was as close to a normal fatherhood as he would ever
come. He thought of his brother. His lost kid brother. His heart didn't
hold fear or sorrow for him. He knew that Alex would be back, he was
just sad that he wouldn't be there to see it. He would have wished to
tell Alex how much he loved him and how much he respected him. He did
not know from where Alex had gotten the opinion that he always lived in
his shadow. For Scott, Alex had in many ways been someone to look up to.
He was free, he was a man of deep loves and great emotions which he
wasn't afraid to show. He wished he could tell him that. His
thoughts wandered to the professor and his friends. He owed Xavier so
much. He was like the father he had never had and his love for him ha
other X-men Ororo shined through as special. She was a friend, a
confident and family.in more ways than one. He loved her and if Jean
hadn't been then Ororo would surely had spoken to his heart in a deeper
way than she did now. She was in herself a light, a symbol of a dream.
She was the Goddess she had been thought to be. She was the Goddess of
The Dream.
As the pain became intense and his world blackened out Scott held unto
these feelings of love as all he knew disappeared, as his light was
corrupted and strangled by darkness. The darkness was almost complete
now as Scott sent his last thoughts, knowing that he'll never know if
the others heard them;
* My friends, my family. For your years of friendship, years of love, I
can never thank you enough. Jean, thank you for your love. You own a
piece of my heart and always will. Nathan, my son and pride. I pray that
your life will be easier with years yet I fear it will not. Nate, I pray
that you never lose your childish edge. Ororo, please keep your
compassion with you in your heart as you always have. You're a Goddess
among us for you can show us the light. Xavier..Charles, you're the
Dream but you're more than that. You are the truest father I have and I
thank you for that. My friends, thanks for your kindness and support
through the years. For those who isn't here, who I lost, I love you all
and always will. Rachel and Alex, my daughter and brother, I love you
both. Always have and always will. Maybe one day, someone will be able
to tell you that.*
There weren't enough time to say all what was in his heart, all what he
felt so he tried to send his feelings of love towards his family and
friends as his life slowly ended. When darkness claimed him he prayed
that where ever he was heading, he'll find peace.
The End
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