I try to justify it to myself
endlessly. I say that my love
for my husband is a spiritual one and what I feel for my lover is simply
corporeal. Two different loves, completely separate, fulfilling
different needs. Except that
I also love Scott with my body and Logan touches my soul.
There is a clear difference between
what they feel for me. Scott
loves me in spite of what I am, and Logan because of it.
Which is better, I wonder? Which
I am weak, not being able to choose
between them. I thought I had
when I married Scott; and I think I was the one most surprised when I
betrayed him. How could I do
this to him? The question
tears me up inside, for there is no answer that I could give him that
wouldn't sound shallow and base. I
still love him more than anything, more than life - in fact, he is the
only reason I continue living at all.
Many, many times I think about ending it all, dying for what I've
done, as I should have before. It's
him that brings me back from the edge, gives me hope that maybe things
will get better one day, convinces me I can overcome anything.
And then I find myself in Logan's bed.
He knows who I am inside and does not want to change me.
He understands me. Scott
tries; but he will never be able to, not the way I need to be understood.
Logan does not judge me. He
does not get that hurt look in his eyes when I confess something to him.
He listens, he does not talk about what the future will bring; he
heals the aching hurt I feel right now.
He was the only one who was able to break through the wall of
darkness with which I had surrounded myself; and the first time we made
love it wasn't because of any noble emotion, or even lust.
It was because I needed to forget who I was; I needed to escape,
and for awhile, I did.
Now I find that I can't stop seeing
him. It has become more than
I expected, more than I can deal with; but not more than I want. He isn't willing to let go either and that scares me because
the longer it goes on, the less able Scott will be to ignore it.
Logan doesn't want everything to come to light, he doesn't like the
way we hide what we do and what we feel; but he knows that if I were
forced to make a decision I would choose Scott, every time.
Scott is aware of that as well; and I wonder why he doesn't make
me. Perhaps he wants me to do
it on my own, to prove my love for him.
We pretend, all three of us, not
wanting to face the truth because it will cause nothing but more
heartbreak and pain. It is
out of character for us all; I would have imagined that Scott would
confront us, or Logan to demand he not share me with anyone else, or that
I would be able to sort out my feelings and do the right thing.
Instead we turn our heads from the obvious and plant them firmly in
the sand, wishing desperately that things were less complex.
And I wish I were stronger.
It has become a ritual of sorts.
As I pull on my clothes I tell him, "We can't do this any
longer. We can't hurt Scott
any more than we already have."
He nods and I go home to my husband, happy to be with him, firm in
my resolve that I will not stray again.
Then something happens that I cannot tell Scott because he will be
disappointed with me, and I need to confide in Logan or go crazy; and no
matter how hard we try, we can never just talk.
I feel like a child, unable to make
decisions, unable to control my life.
I feel evil, falling too easily into immorality once again.
I feel dirty and guilty, worse than a whore. Sometimes I think that despite their love for me they're both
glad I feel this way, because of the pain I cause them.
They needn't worry, I know I'm to blame; and I will never, ever
Now I'm pregnant. This is my incentive to get my life back on track and I can
do it; I will not drag my child into this twisted mess of hurt and lies
and deceit and passion. There
is the matter of who her father is; but we can all ignore one last thing. There is no point in finding out the truth.
Both of them want her to be their daughter and refuse the
possibility that she isn't; but I know that Logan will not say anything if
she is raised as Scott's child. Which
she will be. I will never
give her cause to even question it, that chapter of my life is closed.
I will become a better person, Rachel, I promise you.
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