Little Run Away....
*Introduction--Scott and Jean had lost touch and Betsy
stepped in to make
a play for him in the X-books a while back. Well, I'm filling in holes
showing, personally what I thought was a better way to think of it and
how it actually happened. This story is told through three
(Scott, Betsy and Jean) and each has a chapter to tell their side of it.
is completely told in first person perspectives from the different
points of views right before Scott runs to take on the Dark Riders
Alaska and such. Have a good one and enjoy. Hope I did the characters
characters belong to Marvel, and are
used without permission for entertainment purposes only.
One in two marriages end in divorce.
I look at that statistic a lot lately. Why? I'm still trying to fathom that
since it's not very likely you and I will ever go anywhere. I mean, how can
I put this back together again when I can't even get the pieces of my soul
to work in one consistant whole again? Since I lost Nathan...I haven't been
the same man I was before. I have guilt eating a hole through my soul for
what I've done and for those that I've failed. How can I love you, Jean,
when in your eyes I've failed you as well? I sit on the steps of the
Blackbird and I contemplate this when I should be working. Working has
always helped me to cope in the past, but now all I have is a stupid little
statistic running rampat through my brain over and over again.
One in two marriages end in divorce.
I've always loved statistics. Like strategy, statistics is just based on
facts that can't be reputed later on. You either win or you don't.
Statistics either work or they don't. There is no in between there. No grey
zones. No emotions...just hard core numbers or thinking. Battle fields, out
thinking the enemy who is trying to do the same thing with you...aggregate
losses...all of it is just cold. No emotions involved. I like that about it.
Because when it comes to emotions with me things fall apart like a crumble
cake so fast that it's almost funny.
One in two marriages end in divorce
For as long as I can remember I've loved you. The moment you walked into
Xavier's I found you to be the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. And I
knew that with Warren and Hank in there, or heck if you went for younger
guys one day Bobby, that I didn't stand a chance. I wasn't the handsome one
like Warren who also came from money, I wasn't the brainy one like Hank or
the jock and I sure as heck wasn't the funny one like Bobby. I was just a
screwed up orphan and street kid that had done what a lot of people would
consider "wrong" to survive on my own. I made a point, as soon as I
to run away as far and as fast as I could. Because I KNEW that you could
make me fall for you without even trying and that would give you power over
me. And that scared me to death. Because if you had power over me, you
beautiful redhead, you could screw with me and screw with me and I would let
you. And I'd never even look at another woman the same way I looked at you
or love her the same way. All the more reason to run as far and as fast as I
Yet, damn you to Hell Jean, you slipped through somehow. You with those soul
deep eyes and that passionate soul like the one I would never have near the
surface of my entire being...you managed to get through every damn wall I
put up against you. You didn't even have to smash them down. You talked your
way through them. You tore through them with a gentleness that when they
were gone I didn't miss them and didn't even notice that they were gone. And
when you finally reached me and I realized they were down there was nothing
I could do. I was already in love with you and so I tried...for you...to
learn. I never knew what love WAS until I met you and you melted down the
ice I'd encased myself in so I wouldn't be hurt. I didn't know what it was
to trust someone until I told you about my nightmares one night after you'd
had that horrible date...you remember? And you never told anyone, not even
Charles that I know of, about those nightmares...those nightmares of me
being all alone and in the middle of nothing, not feeling anything and not
caring. And you told me of your nightmares about the dark and how you'd wish
there was some light on nights of the dark of the moon because it was too
dark. You were too much of a grown up, you said, to beg for a night light,
but you wished there was a way to get light into the room somehow without
coming across as weak.
The next night you slept in your bed you awoke to the glow in the dark stars
that I had stuck on your ceiling. So you'd never have to face the dark of
the moon alone again without light to help guide you home. Your nightmares
stopped after that. Mine didn't, but they did grow further apart because I
felt you near me even when we were apart. When you said thank you for those
stars, even though I never admitted it was me who put them there, I felt
like I'd been given the world. I wanted to dance and sing and most of all
hold you in my arms and never let you go.
Oh for those days again. When we were just two screwed up kids muddling
through life as best we could and finding our feelings for one another.
Things got so damn complicated Jean...when did they become so complicated?
Xavier went off and left us, as he does everytime things get the least bit
difficult...people wonder where I get it from...and suddenly you met Logan.
The man who holds the other half of your heart. I respect Logan. I'd never
admit it to him, but I also hate him. I did from the first moment I met him
and seeing the passion and the life in him realized that I was, to put it
quite simply in the old street slang I slip into upon occasion, fucked. He
was and is everything I will never be. He's got a aura of LIFE to him, while
I...things that I love tend to die around me like a curse someone put on me
a long while ago or something. Logan came with no attachments while I come
with so much baggage you'd never be able to sort through it all. I realized
that he could be for you what I could never be and so I thought...maybe I
should let you go and let you make your own choice.
You have to understand Jean. Before you all I ever knew was from the
television set. True love forever, mom and dad and two point five kids
working through things, love overcame all and roll those credits. I didn't
know how to cope with the real deal until you taught me how and maybe...just
maybe you were too good of a teacher? Because lately I have found myself so
confused. I let you be yourself Jean. I let you flirt with Warren and Logan
and let you make your choices. And was always and truly amazed when you came
back to Slim screwed-up-man-who-was-flubbing-his-way-through-life Summers.
The only constant in my life sometimes was that you loved me Jean. And since
you came back from the dead...I've just...it's been hard because I'm
wondering if you loved ME or some ideal you held of me.
One in two marriages end in divorce
I proved that statistic right with Maddie. When you died I figured I had
died with you. Lee helped to heal some of that wound, but I realized a
normal life would never work for me...hell I didn't even know what that word
meant "normal"...and so we went our separate ways still good
then I met Maddie and fell like a ton of bricks. She reminded me of you in
the beginning and it was scary because I thought she might BE you and then I
later realized she wasn't. But, I loved Maddie for Maddie. And then there
was Nathan and I realized in one whamming 2x4 that I now had a child to
screw up and that scared the ever lasting hell out of me. I left the X-men
and tried the whole "Father Knows Best" routine, but it didn't work.
real world is a hell of a lot different from the one you learn about from
the TV and Charles's books you know that? I went to head with real life and
real marriage...and it kicked my ass. I was absolutely and positively a
failure at doing the normal life routine. I felt like I was running out on
all of my friends and the cause and the dream the entire time I was working
in my grandfather's office. I had to do SOMETHING for society or for the
better good because all I ever knew was how to fight and be a soldier. By
abandoning the X-men I was helping the enemy. I even fooled with the idea of
being a cop or a fireman, but Maddie freaked when I talked about that
because I could still get myself killed. I realize now how many mistakes we
both made in that marriage and that when I left for New York it was dead.
But, I would have worked it out with her if I could have. I ran away but I
came back to her. And when it was all said and done and Inferno was over...I
came back. To you. And to the dream.
Maybe it was being inside yours and Nathan's mind so deep and feeling him
slip away from me when I realized how far you were away from me as well. You
turned to Logan in Genoshia Jean...I got a glimpse of that but I don't know
how deep that connection went since he was on death's door. But I also
realize how much you do love him underneath all the love you have for me.
Lately it seems you have been trying to change me. Ever since Nathan died
you have expected me to act like Cyclops and not Scott Summers because you
don't want to have to deal with the emotional mess I've become. You instead
want to worry about Charles losing HIS son and losing the use of his legs
again. I might be able to walk, but sometimes I wonder if I have a leg to
stand on anymore. I need SOMEONE to talk to me and let me talk to them about
Nathan, but you pretend that it didn't happen. Maybe the son of me and your
clone don't count to you or something. Okay, I reflect, that's cold, but
true really. You didn't care about Rachel and even treated her like an
unwanted insect even though she was an orphan like me, so what was to make
Nathan any different? Although, I know you're loving by nature. I just
wonder what makes children of my genes so repulsive to you that you pretend
I don't have any. Rachel is still my genetic daughter and Nathan is, or was,
my son so why Jean? Why?
You are such a loving creature and yet...yet sometimes that love extends to
so many but the one man that you said you'd love forever more than once. How
can you love me when you love Logan? You wanted only a part of me and you
want to change the other parts of me and fix what can't be fixed within me.
I'm screwed up Jean...when will you realize and accept that about me? And
just love me for, or despite that? And then lately, the last couple of
months anyway, I've found a woman who does want all of me. Every little
screwed up piece and corner. And yet...how is it that I can't let you go and
still love you so much? Do I even know what love is if I'm so attracted to
her? Confusion is nothing new with you Jean, but lately it's gotten a lot
She's beautiful you know. Inside and out. She's like you and yet nothing
like you. She's more like me in some ways and maybe that is why I've found
that I can open up to her lately where I can't with you. She's repressed,
just like me, and has had her soul ripped apart and her life ripped apart by
so many different events. Just like me. Her brother has even tried to kill
her, just like me. What first attracted me to Betsy? Maybe it was the fact
that she drew me out of my shell instead of getting mad at me for being in
it like lately you do. Or maybe it was because we were on the same team and
she just got to know me, not Cyclops, ME. I don't know Jean...I just don't
know. I pick up one of the Shiar instruments and start to work on the engine
I'm determined I'm going to get done by the time dawn rises over the
horizon. I don't sleep anymore and I'm going on about three days without
sleep, but the last time I was in a room with you and you were sleeping you
called out a name. It wasn't mine.
One in two marriages end in divorce
With that one line going through my head, I wonder how much I've been giving
away of my insecurities about us when I sleep. So, I don't sleep anymore.
That and the nightmares about Nathan that I so desperately want to talk
about...no I don't sleep anymore.
When the oil squirts out at me I am taken by complete surprise due to where
my thoughts have been and letting out a sound of surprise I know that I'm
going to hit hard. I'm not disappointed as the breath leaves my body with a
rush. But, I don't lie there long, my body having been in too many battles
to be down for long, and so I'm able to rebound pretty quickly. She takes me
by surprise though and I feel the breath leave my body for a different
reason as I look up to see Betsy in a dress I've never seen her in before.
"Scott...are you hurt?" The worry in her voice is a surprise to me
in a way
since she's seen me get taken down by more mutants than I can count. But it
would be just our luck as X-men to get taken down by something stupid like a
fall from a four foot height or so and so I assure her I'm okay. She leans
in closer and I smell her unique fragrance of European perfume mixed with
just that natural scent of hers and feel my heart beat quicker. I never
expect her to lick the oil from my skin or to look at me with that type of
attraction. I almost laugh at my own naivete...I never knew that she was
attracted physically to me. I just knew that we enjoyed each other's company
and that I was falling for her a little at a time because of our common
interests. I can't help it as she says something that really doesn't mean
anything to me as I try to express my torment, my confusion, my NEED for
contact with another human being who would understand in a kiss. The arousal
is immediate and for the first time in forever I feel alive again. But then,
floating into my mind is you and our life together...all the laughter and
the tears and how you showed me what life WAS and what your mind is like.
All beautiful fire and passion and LIFE and love for me and I just...can't.
I've always pointed true North Jubilee would say and this time is no
different. Betsy, you're so beautiful, but I'm sorry...you're not Jean.
I don't know if she picks up the thoughts or not, but she doesn't seem to
mind if she did. She just looks at me softly, puts her hand along my face
and locks eyes with mine. I wouldn't have needed the telepathic message, but
I got it anyway, "Figure out what you want Scott without blinders
will be here one way or another, as possible lover or as a friend, when you
figure it all out. I care too deeply for you to watch you go through this
with Jean. I will give you something with no attachments if you want and
maybe we can heal each other a bit?" With that slight thought full of
butterflies of purple steel and lace I just can't handle it anymore. I'm
torn between two women. One owns my soul and doesn't seem to really want it
or anything to do with me. The other wants everything I have to offer, but I
can't give it all to her because it's not all mine to give. For the first
time ever I think I know how Logan feels everytime he looked between Mariko
and Jean and I don't handle it as well. Instead I do what I've always done.
I bolt to my feet and run for the far horizion. I'm not really caring where
I'm going as I bolt by Jean, but I feel her confusion and pain as she smells
Betsy on me and for the first time in my life I actually take malicious
satisfaction out of another person's pain and confusion becuase it's only
fair Jean...you've done it to me so many times.
One in two marriages end in divorce
I'm not going to make the same mistake twice Jean. I need to be sure of us
before I continue this. And that means I need to get away from here...I need
to run away. I'm sorry.
I pack in record time, leaving your picture on the dresser when normally I
carry one with me wherever I go when I'm away from you. Maybe I've outgrown
that little bit of romanticism. I don't know anymore. And I call for a taxi
and head for the door. I'm going to get away from this place and go where I
will be able to think without lots of deep emotion getting in my way to
figuring out where to go from here. It's my only option if I'm going to
I meet up with you in the front hallway as I'm talking to Ororo who seems
sadly resigned to the fact I'm leaving but asking me to stay because it's
the only way that things will work out for the better. What the Hell does
she know anyway? I've run farther and faster than anyone in life and you
know what? I'm still realitively sane and I don't run half as much as
Charles does. My habits could be much worse thanks and running away has
saved my life and my sanity more than once. This time will hopefully be no
different because I'm coming apart at the seams. I need time. And I need
space. I'm claiming both. Scott Summers goes on a vacation, I reflect, it
just doesn't sound right.
I look up when I hear your words and I see the pain and the anger on your
face and reverting through my head and even as you speak anger to me I feel
a foolish moment of...hope? Speak to me Jean, beg me to stay, ask me to
stay. Start with "I love you" and end with "please don't
go". Just show me
for the first time in months that you love me and that you care about me
PLEASE! I love you too much to not listen. Throw me a lifeline Jean...I'm
drowning! The thoughts are running through my head, the near begging tone to
them not lost on me, but I just can't care anymore.
If it was a test you would have failed it love. I begged you with my soul
and you stood there resolutely silent. That was a good enough answer in
itself I guess. I should be glad that you're not trying to stop me from
going. I should feel relieved because it makes my leaving all the easier,
but for some odd reason I just feel disappointment as I turn around, nod
calmly to Ororo and walk out the door.
I pull on the red dress that I swore to myself I'd never wear unless I was
out for one and only one thing and can't help but feel a bit ashamed of
myself for sinking to this level. I know that Scott is tormented and is
wondering which way is up anymore. I know that he doesn't know of his
feelings for me or Jean and he needs time to think. But, I have a bad
feeling about who he'd choose if he has time to think and honestly
Scott...you deserve better than HER. She has tormented you and put you
through so much and yet you come back to her again and again. Why? What does
she have that is so wonderful. She might have a body but many women do. She
has a caring empathic nature? So do a lot of women who are good honest women
and would make you so much happier. They'd at least be less torn on where
their hearts stand and be loyal to you in every hour of the day and night
down deep inside and not drag your feelings through the mud and then get mad
at you when you're the least attracted to someone else or that you get
married after she'd been dead for a couple of years.
I do not understand that woman. She doesn't seem to realize what type of man
she held in the palm of her hand. She had a noble and strong man who would
do anything for her and she just continually pushed him to the back line for
Logan. I like Logan, he's a noble sort, but still...he's not Scott. Sorry
Jean, but it's true. Scott has so much more than Logan does in a lot of
ways. Logan has a love for life and that danger that attracts you so. Scott
has that stability and just dependabilty that attracts me like a magnet.
This is a man that would stick with you no matter what. And you know what
else Jean? He doesn't give up hope on this dream we're fighting for. He IS
the dream. He fights for it day in and day out and just works through any
personal crisis in the meantime. He sticks here out of love for us, although
he'd never admit it. He might not sit there and serenade your beauty, but
he'll give you this look through those glasses of his that says that he
thinks you're the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet. He might
not tell you that he loves you day in and day out, but he'll go out into the
pouring rain and drive the car around so that you don't get your new silk
skirt wet or so you won't get a chill.
He'll put his personal crisis on hold if you have one that he knows you're
having problems with because he loves you. Why you can't seem to give him
the same courtesy I have no idea. Are you ever truly honest with him Jean?
Do you love him or do you love him for what you want him to be? It's time to
test all of that because if you don't want him...it's about time that
someone was willing to challenge the playing field and show you that Scott
isn't just a safe port for YOU to come back to. That was just ego for years
that you had there my dear. Now there are others and ones that can go toe to
toe with you in every way that are willing to try for his hand. And after
waking up to a few facts about how you're treating him maybe he'll realize
what it is that you put him through on such a regular basis and decide to
change things. He deserves better than what you've offered him Jean. He
stood beside you when the rest of the X-men wondered if you should be saved
or not, and I don't give a bloody damn if you say it doesn't count because
it was Phoenix. It WAS you and he stood by you and held your hand and NEVER
gave up on you even when you gave up on yourself. How can you not adore a
man for that?
So, he builds walls and is repressed. So am I. I have not shared my personal
torment of late with anyone but Scott because I know that he's trustworthy
and won't tell anyone. I would talk to Warren, but it seems that everytime
we're in the same room together he leaves. I'd make a play for him, but I
have no evidence that my interest is returned. With Scott there is no game.
His responses all the way around are honest. He tries to hide them behind
those towering walls of his, but when you're a telepath it's harder to hide
and when the person you're talking to is just a more extreme example of you,
you learn how to read those subtle signs and realize what it is that they
are thinking. I know what he's been thinking of lately Jean and it's not
you. I smile in womanly pleasure at my reflection as I straighten the bodice
of the dress. Really, the dress isn't me. I'm normally classier in dress
than this and Brian would just grab a sheet and throw it over me in horror,
but extreme cases call for extreme measures.
You might not want him Jean, but I'm about to show him, if I can, that I
want him. I want all of him. Every screwed up bit and piece that is in that
head of his, what is behind all of those walls he hides behind. He's a
puzzle even to telepaths. He's got so many depths and so many layers a woman
could spend her entire life going through them all and never finding bottom.
Warren would be much the same, but I think he's still in love with Candy.
Scott might still be in love with you Jean, but the way you have been
acting...for how long will he continue to hold onto a woman who is trying
her hardest to hold onto him while emotionally running away? I'm hoping not
for long. I'm not going to ask him to choose between us Jean. I'm just going
to give him choices and not blame him for anything. Two things that you nor
anyone in his life has ever given him before. And if all goes well with this
endeavor, I laugh a little at this thought, he'll either go running back to
you and find himself more deeply in love with you or he'll turn to me and
realize what I can give him. To hell with lusting after desired
outcomes...how about I lust after a 6 some foot gorgeous leader of mine?
I never expect to run into Jubilee and the look on her face speaks volumes
as well as her thoughts. I know I'm dressed slutty would pretty much cover
it, but I don't care what she or anyone else thinks. I'm on the hunt. And
that is something that I enjoy a lot more than I used to.
There is a small voice in the back of my head shouting that something is
wrong, but I ignore it as I make my way toward the hanger where I now know
you to be. Your thoughts are tormented but so beautiful. I always compare
them in my head to a multi-faceted crystal you know that Scott? Or a fire
opal. There are so many different angles to look at them and yet deep down
if you look hard you can feel the core of fire in you. I want to see that
fire released and maybe then you can laugh again before SHE started screwing
with your emotions and your heart so hard. I walk into the hanger, being
careful of the steps in my high heels and prepare the moment in my mind
about how I'm going to go about approaching you. It's all in the planning
Betsy, I tell myself silently as I quench down my nervousness and I walk
When I see you fall all plans go flying out the window and I vault the last
five stairs and land with a lithe grace that would make a ballerina jealous,
not even caring that if there had been others in the room I would be
flashing everything I had to offer at them. I'm amazed that I can land in
high heels without killing myself because before I went through Seige
Perilous I probably wouldn't have been able to pull off that stunt, but
ignore that thought as I rush toward where you're lying, cursing the tight
dress for the first time that night. You're not moving and your thoughts
aren't THERE, which means that the shock of the fall hit you and you have
the wind knocked out of you or worse. All first aid courses are going
through my head as I kneel beside you quickly.
It only takes four times of me calling to you before you look up and finally
notice me and recognition starts to flow back into your face. You know for a
man who has to wear glasses all the time you have a very expressive face. If
you didn't have a visor you'd be a lot less tough looking sometimes I
think...the eyes would give you away. I think with you they would be a
mirror to your soul. I feel Nathan at the top of your mind as well as me and
Jean and I wish, at least with Nathan, that I could do something for you.
I've never lost a child before, but I know the pain of losing something that
is close to you. When we lost Jamie that hurt a lot. When I lost Doug it
hurt more. There was also a man in boarding school that I almost married.
Did I ever tell you about him Scott? He slept with me and then left like it
was nothing after the fact. I never knew why. Maybe he could sleep with
someone and it would mean nothing. A lot of men are like that. But with you
I know it would be different as is the case with most things with you.
I'm so relieved to see you okay that when the impulse comes over me I don't
fight it. I see the oil on your face and leaning forward I lick it off of
you. It tastes like crap, but your taste underneath it tastes much better
and is much more worth my effort. I pull back and looking into your eyes
spout out what I've been thinking forever...that you should follow your
heart and maybe act on impulse once in a while. And to my surprise you take
me up on it. Your hands are in my hair and your mouth on mine before I can
think of a way to get you to do it. I love a man who is proactive. You taste
wondeful, a combination of spice and coffee and just male that I could grow
addicted to, but when you start to pull back I know why you were kissing me
and while you enjoyed it, men can't hide that, I know that you are too
tormented to take me up on my offer no matter how sexy I look in this dress.
And so I share a bit of my heart with you hoping you don't throw it back at
me, knowing what you are about to do, but still putting all of my thoughts
and feelings and shows of what I felt Jean had done to you into a telepathic
message to you only. If nothing else maybe I can make an impact and help to
set you free. You're definitely too good for her Scott. I know what you are
about to do before you get up in a flash of motion and I know that I'm going
to let you go. And I'm not disappointed.
You bolt. Can't really blame you. I would probably have done the same thing.
Having someone so much like me is sort of scary sometimes. But we don't go
unnoticed. Heh...I had been so distracted I never even felt you up there
Jean. But...I'm glad you were there. Maybe, just maybe, you'll realize how
much that man loves you and how much you've screwed with him and come to
your red headed senses. If not...well I win either way don't I? Your
perspective is changing about "good ol' dependable" Scott and
maybe the man is human and maybe he wants all of a woman and to be happy.
What a novel idea. I smirk at you and ask what's up with lunch because I
know that was on your mind when you came in, although now it's pain and
confusion about what is happening to Scott, and not even looking at me you
run the other way in tears. About time you shed a few Jeanie...about damn
I change out of my dress and since my plans for this evening
were...well...side tracked I decide to go and work out. It is the one place
I am at peace now a days. Scott I know is the same way with doing his
strategies or up in a plane flying, but I do it here. Where I can kill
holograms without worrying about them bleeding on me and I don't have to
worry about showing others my lack of conscience when they die and how much
I enjoy showing that I'm better and more powerful than they are. I can't say
much about this new body...the improvements gave me what I always wanted. I
am like a bird of prey now instead of a lowly highly armored cannary. I
punch my fist through another hologram's abdomen and feel as the particles
give me a good impression of what it would be like in real life. And it
feels good. To kill...to show that I am better. It feels wonderful.
That damn feeling that something is wrong just won't leave me alone and I
look up when the holograms are suddenly turned off. I look up to see Jean
again and sigh knowing what is coming. She spouts off some jibberish about
what I'm doing to Scott and I just grab my towel, adapting admirably to the
change in workout. She's trying to get a fix on my telepathic frequency and
I just flit my mind around like a bird, dodging her mentally like I would
another opponent physically. And I tell you what I'm thinking and about how
I want Scott and how I'd like to see him laugh again, wondering if you even
care that someone wants to see and feel those things with him. The
accusations from you continue to fly and I get irritated. And then you grab
my arm and I get pissed. You think that I'm telepathically MANIPULATING
Scott Jean? You are so bloody clueless you little PRATT! My telepathic
powers flair. I'm going to enjoy this I know, but it's also the only way I
can think of to get you to understand.
I shove that telepathic knife deep into your brain and feel as your synapsis
just fry out one by one temporarily. And I show you everything Jean.
Everything. I show you the time me and Scott have spent together and how
your fears of us having an affair were so stupid. I show you what I feel and
what I felt that he could feel. I show you what you're letting go and what
some other women, namely me, sees when I look at him. What you'd be letting
go if you are dumb. And I show it all to you Jean. Every last little bit and
I shove it into you with all the anger that I feel and all of the hurt that
I know Scott has felt and feel it rip through all of your telepathic
defenses. And I don't care. You are going to learn one way or the other not
to fuck with that man if I have to beat it into you the hard way. He
deserves better dammit and you should either fight for him like a woman or
back the hell out of the way for those of us who actually do care what
happens to him and if he laughs or he cries. Maybe there is someone out
there that would be willing to talk to him Jean and maybe just maybe that
person isn't you.
You hit the floor and looking down at you I wonder what the repercussions of
this will be. I would normally not lose my temper like that and for the
first time I honestly wonder if there is something wrong with me or
something. Or if it's just you and how you behave. And...I just don't care
anymore. Wake up Jean...no one can do that for you.
How much of my soul is for me to give?
That is a really hard question for me to answer now a days. I press my
fingers to the frigid window, feeling the press of skin to glass that is as
cold as your heart and mind are to me at this moment. Oh Scott, you've been
blocking me out lately and I'm now wondering how much a fault that is of
yours and how much it is Betsy's. It's just too convienent that you start
working on her team and then suddenly you start daydreaming about her and
having little subconscious runs of thought about her. It shouts to me of
telepathic tampering, although I can't get you to sleep long enough to do a
cusory scan to see if it's you or her that is doing this to you. If it's you
though Scott...what am I going to do?
I love you. That's a simple and plain truth. But, why dammit do those three
words have to have such complicated meaning attached to them? When we were
younger things were so much easier for us. There was you and there was me
and there was no one else to even think about...to wonder about...and then
things started to change. Phoenix happened, Maddie happened, losing Nathan
happened. Oh to hell with it I can't lie to myself, I mutter under my breath
as I watch my breath fog on the window, Logan happened. He was the first big
obstacle between us wasn't he? Warren was just a person that I understood
due to our backgrounds and interests and while Warren chased me I still only
dreamed of what you might look like behind that visor, or what you were
thinking at that moment in your complex refracted mind. Plots inside plots
and thoughts inside thoughts...theories and books and all things that could
keep someone even like me fascinated for a lifetime...your thoughts were you
and you were so beautiful. Warren wasn't as complex. Beautiful but not as
fascinating to me as you. You were everything complicated and insolvable. He
wasn't. And so you were the one who held everything there was in me in this,
my hand clenches at the thought as my fingers join together, choke-hold. A
willing one at that. You were in my dreams you were in my thoughts you were
the love of my life.
And then in comparison to your surface cold that you exude when life gets
horribly difficult so that you can cope, Logan with his heat and fire came
along. Where you hid your feelings for me and ran from them because of what
I might be able to do to your soul and heart should I be let in too closely,
Logan welcomed me in to a certain level and made no mistake of his desire
for me. And then the chemistry mixed in and we were a time bomb waiting to
explode. And you Scott, poor scarred up you, had no idea how to cope other
than to fight for me the only way you knew how and that was to fight back at
Logan with logic and strategy. And you fought back with the greatest weapon
of all with me. Trust. You trusted me and you loved me like an open hand
holding sand so that I could still fly, and so I couldn't do anything about
my feelings for Logan because I loved you just as much as before. Where
Logan and I burned on the outside, probably for all to see and fighting
ourselves, you put forth that cold exterior while on the inside loved me
with a soul deep passion that I could never, in a thousand years, deny. You
were and are such a beautiful person Scott. The nobility of your character,
the responsibilty...everything...just piles up like blocks in a computer
game and makes you all the stronger and more complex for it. I know that I
am the weakness in those strong foundations and I could crumble you down
more than a couple pegs if I used things against you or if I ever turned to
Logan and made reality the dreams we both have had. But you also hold power
over me Scott. You might not realize it, but I also trust you and love you
and that makes me weakened to what you could do if you ever turn and make
real the fantasies you have about HER.
I can't blame you. You have been through so much and with time at a maximum
lately I haven't been able to pay attention to you the way you probably
needed to be paid attention to. But dammit Scott if you needed me why didn't
you track me down and talk it over with me? What IS it in your personality
that still doesn't allow you to turn to ANYONE in times of emotional need
and ask to talk about something? I could have listened or talked it out with
you but you were always in a hurry or in the middle of something else. I
don't recall once where you turned to me and asked me to talk about
something. Instead I come in and you're fantasizing about Betsy's bodily
dimensions or thinking to yourself about her opinion on a certain
conversation. It makes me all the more willing to turn to Logan when I NEED
to talk because I feel like my opinions are unwanted by you. Why? Why are we
continuing in this horrible cycle over and over and over again?
I just got back from that scene, if you want to call it that, down in the
hanger. I know what you and Betsy did. Betsy was so SMUG that she had
managed to kiss you that I wanted to kill her. For the first time in a long
time I was on the verge of killing rage. But, knowing that you enjoyed it
ticked me off all the more...and it hurt. Am I not attractive enough for you
anymore Scott? Have I gotten old to you? The bitter words going through my
heart right now, I realize deep down are far from fair to you. I mean I have
had make out sessions with Logan for God's sake. I've kissed Warren. I've
screwed with your heart so much that if you decided to stray somewhat with
one kiss what in the hell was wrong with me that I would take it so
personally? Probably because, to me, a kiss is just a kiss. I might taste
Logan's lips on mine, I might be able to tell you what the texture of
Warren's hands are like as they frame my face, but to you Scott...a kiss is
so much more with you. When you kiss you taste that other person's soul if
that is possible. You kiss when you mean it, not just because it feels good.
Your heart is involved when you kiss someone.
I thought with Betsy it was just physical attraction and I was jealous of
that since she's got a lot to offer in that area, but now...now I realize
it's more. And I'm starting to realize exactly how far we've grown apart
that I didn't realize that you felt that way for Betsy. For once the pain of
knowledge is shining on me and I'm realizing what it must be like for you to
look at me and Logan together knowing that he might very well hold the other
half of my soul, and I'm scared Scott. Soul deep scared. I always assumed,
somehow, that you would always point straight as an arrow toward me. I mean
you were always so sure of the love you had for me Scott...it's like this
flavor of ice and burn in my mind and soul whenever I needed the
reassurance. Even when my telepathy was gone I knew just by the look on your
face, the way your face would relax a bit and that look of almost pleasure
and pain would come over you, that you loved me almost too much. It was a
great source of comfort for me and I guess I got cocky figuring that love
was going to last forever. I realize now how much of a fool I was to think
that way. Love, like anything you plant and nourish has to have nourishment
another or it will die. You nourished me Scott and allowed me to grow into a
huge plant with many reaching branches while you were slowly shriveling away
from neglect. I realize that now and I don't know how to begin to rectify
that. And damn you Scott Summers you're running away again. How am I
supposed to figure out how to fix this, if it's fixable if you just go
away??? This is one aspect of you I absolutely despise sometimes. You always
run away when your emotions are involved too deeply and there are better
ways to go about things.
I walk toward the front door of the mansion, knowing what I'm going to find
before I get there, but praying that I'll find otherwise. I'm,
unfortunately, not wrong. You're standing there walking toward the front
door, Ororo trying to stall you probably to try and get some answers from
somewhere on what the heck is going on. You know Scott, she talked to me
earlier and told me that if I wasn't careful I was going to lose you. I just
laughed and said that you couldn't lose something that didn't want to be
lost. I'm really starting to realize how much ego was involved and how much
jealousy I had buried in me. Turns out I was jealous with good reason more's
the miracle. I look down at you as I spout off about how you're better at
building walls than anyone I know and you say some hurtful, but true things
back as you look at me for a moment. Time suspends and the moment is so
tangible I could reach out and grab it in my hands. What do you want me to
say Scott? What do you want from me? I know you want something...I can feel
it deep down in the core of my being and humming along our psychic bond like
it's a living prescence in itself. Do you want me to beg or to spout off how
much I hate you? Do you want me to pull you closer or push you away?
One of the problems being linked to you Scott Summers is that life is so
damn difficult on its own and then trying to figure out what you are
thinking is like trying to figure out where interlacing started on some of
those midievil celtic tapestries of old. Lots of interweaving, lots of
bright colors that will keep you occupied for hours just staring at it in
awe. It looks even halfway simple until you try looking deeper into the
image and trying to figure out where all the colors and images start and
end. Then you feel your eyes going around in a circle and your mind winding
in much the same way...finally realizing the complexity of the beauty before
you and the near feverish zeal that the artist would have had to put into
such a design to make it work to their harmonious specifications. It would
also take the patience of a saint and the instincts of a trained expert. And
looking down at you love I'm realizing that you're one hell of a an
interweaving and I'm trying to figure out what you could want from me in
this complex winding pattern of "what if's" and it doesn't work. You
at me, the moment of suspended time where I could have done much I'm sure,
and you simply turn around and walk away.
Outside I'm still cold and angry to those around me, probably looking very
upset. Inside I wonder if you're even coming back and feel my heart tear
into small pieces. And you didn't have to do a thing Scott...all you had to
do was leave my little run away.
I go to look for Betsy after I hear the taxi pull away from the curb,
heading to the airport and then to your grandparents. I know where you'd
head if you ran from here...you'd want to go to your grandparents and
confront the guilt that you've harbored since Nate...left. And so I know
that you will be alright there with them one way or the other, and so I go
to confront a suspicion I've held for some time now. It's unnatural having
this type of obsession over a woman and thus I have to really wonder if
Betsy has been manipulating you telepathically. We're sworn, as telepaths of
this school, not to do that and she sure as HELL isn't going to do it to
you. Ever again if I have my way. And make no mistake Scott...I will get my
way on this one.
I find her in the danger room and looking down at the scene I feel my
forehead furrow a bit in some anxiety that I can't explain. She looks fine
working out down there, although taking too many chances, throwing herself
into the fight like it is her everything, and at the same time moving with
the expertise that allows for her to do what she does best. And that is to
fight and kill. But that isn't want really gets the hair on the back of my
neck to stand up straight...it's something else...something in the air. It's
almost a repressed agression and anger from an outside third source directed
at the purple haired ninja below me.
Or...I pause as I look over the controls with my anger restored, maybe it's
just my anger becoming a new lifeform. I've got enough in me right now for
four or five people to power of small city on. I watch as she does something
with her fists that leaves three of the holograms dead, and punching in the
keys time it to turn off on my voice command. I then walk out and down
toward the front door to the Danger Room, my mind already on the
confrontation ahead. By this time I KNOW deep down inside that Betsy has
been manipulating you Scott because it's just not LIKE you to act like you
have been and not turn to me for comfort. I wouldn't ignore you if you did.
And I KNOW she's to blame for this.
I don't even bother with the Danger Room opening sequence. I instead just
throw out a small portion of anger in the form of a telekinetic thought and
flip the opening switch with my mental hand. A complete waste of power?
Maybe. Irresponsible? Maybe. Not thought out? Never. I want Betsy to know
I'm coming and I want her to be afraid of me. I want to be able to vent the
anger within me at a blameable target and I feel that she'll do just
fine...just fine indeed.
The beginning of the confrontation goes smoothly enough. I speak out with
all of the anger in me and I make my accusations to you. I'm determined that
you're going to admit it, for whatever reason I have no idea. It's not like
I can go to Professor Xavier as immersed as he is in his lab and shout about
you misusing your powers. If we kicked you out you'd probably go hunt down
Scott and seduce him even more. I try to latch onto your mind as I make my
case and state what I feel is my evidence, but your mind evades me like a
butterfly that you're known to be like. I can only take so much of anyone
fooling around with me before I get really ticked off and you manage to do
it about three minutes into your mental thrust and parry. So, to get better
contact with your mind and find out the truth once and for all I reach out
with all of the anger in me and cutting through your aura, but not painfully
because I know the injuries that can cause, I use that energy as a launching
pad to shoot myself into your mind. What I find shocks me.
You're ticked at ME??? For thinking that you would NEED to use telepathic
manipulation to get Scott to notice you. My egotism floors you and really
makes you angry at the same time. I realize what you're going to do before
you do it, but there isn't enough time to even think a defense. I just throw
up mental barriers as your hand comes up, hoping for a mild head ache.
The mental blockades don't help. You cut through them like a knife going
through butter as I feel every neural synapsis in my body just give up as
energy strikes along synapsis on top of synapsis and overloads my body
basically. The mental blocks don't even falter...they just rip apart in a
painful mass of mental glass shards as you rip into my mind like a bird of
pray coming down and scooping up a succulent rabit.
I feel myself hit the floor, but it's far away. It's the impressions that I
get from you in a caledescope of chaos that has me floored.
Two months earlier, Scott looking so solemn and sad...almost like me at
times...too damn good at building walls "Scott would you like to go out
some coffee? You look like you could use some." He said yes. Good. Maybe
can be friends since I'm still realitively new getting to know this man. How
it all began
Another moment in time. Scott looking at me so calm and yet his face and
body just SHOW pain in every line. I ask what is wrong and he says merely
that it was Nathan's birthday today. I'm floored when he says that Jean
didn't remember it. Hank was going to go out with him later to help him over
the hurdle because Jean had a conference to go to with Xavier on Mutant
Genetics or something. I feel his pain like a knife in my gut just from
being around him, but I watch as Hank comes in Groucho Marx Glasses on and
singing a chipper tune talking about some antic and Scott starts to laugh.
After all of this pain he can still laugh. Bobby comes in with a smile and I
see him and Hank as they purposefully try to cheer Scott up by singing. It's
not working as Scott looking amused tries to cover his ears, but it doesn't
radiate from him. He's still distracted. So, I reach down deep for my opera
training and do my teachers proud as I raise my voice to the heavens and
start to sing. Everyone is amazed and by the third time I've gone through
"Carmen" I think I have actual fans, especially Scott. He
appreciates what I
did I can feel it radiating from him. Also there is appreciation for my
singing which I smile at. It's good to know I'm wanted.
Looking at me across the blackbird controls and mutters something about
nightmares and how they're evil. He looks tired. I really think he needs
someone to talk to. But, instead he asks me about my recent visit with Brian
and if everything went alright. He's one of a kind is that man. I just smile
and announce if he ever wants to have dreams he could always dream about me.
He turns bright red and turns away...could he be interested in me too?
No...he's too in love with Jean.
Jean should really stop getting angry at him for thinking about me. It's not
like he's not human. So, he's lusting after another woman...so what everyone
does that. It's called being male. To quote Jubilation "duh" Jean.
After seeing this for way too long Scott, and seeing how she treats
you...Xavier coming first, Warren's suffering coming first, her self pity
coming first, Hank's feelings about turning thirty coming before you wanting
to talk about Cable...that's it. This has got to stop. I'm going to do what
a woman should have done years ago my dear man. I'm going to win you. The
way she's going it won't take much. Really.
I finally realize what was really going on that entire time Scott. The
attempts you made to actually reach out to me that I didn't even see because
I was helping someone else. And so you pushed me further away because you
didn't think I would want another burden added onto the last one and the in
the times where we did talk I just freaked at you for lusting after another
attractive woman, which wasn't even fair because not only are you human but
me being a telepath gives me an unfair advantage over another woman. I know
what you're thinking when you're thinking it all the time unless you
purposefully block me out. I could have reached out for you too. You're not
the only one to blame, I'm not fully to blame either, but a good portion of
that blame belongs to me. I should have just fought for you in other ways
instead of judging you by loving you. You would have come back to me if I
had done that. Now, especially after accusing Betsy of all of this and the
ramifications of what it could mean that she used her powers on me like
this...the outcome might not be what I'd hope and pray for. Dear God
Scott...come back to me, I cry mentally, because we have to make this right.
I wait anxiously, pushing my shirt down nervously with my hands
subconsciously as I wait for you to climb off the plane and down the gate. I
know that you'll be cramped as all get out. You always are when flying due
to your height and that you're going to need to take a hot shower to get rid
of the cramping in your shoulders. I even got the roomy car to pick you up.
It's been a while, a lot longer than it seems. A lot has happened since
you've been gone Scott. I hope this reunion and that you requested that I
pick you up at the airport is good news. I've had a chance to think a lot
lately and reflect on what I learned from Betsy and came to peace with
everything. I have just realized a few basic truths. I love you Scott
Summers more than anything. You're everything I ever wanted in a mate and
I'll be damned if I let you go if you don't want me to. I hope that you feel
the same way.
I don't realize I'm projecting until I look up and see you standing in front
of me. I curse mentally for being caught staring off into space and speak
your name with all of the need in my heart. You don't talk. You don't need
to. True Scott-like move you end up doing as you simply pull me into your
arms and do what we both needed to do to be assured that everything was
going to be okay. You press your lips to mine and join your soul completely
with mine in that moment again. It's like having a drink of water after a
long abscence from any type of liquid. You flow through my mind in so many
colors that I feel interlacing with mine that I don't know where your
thoughts begin for a moment and mine end. It's beautiful as are your
thoughts. And when you say it I know what you need when we separate. You
need to talk. I can do that...and I can listen Scott. I haven't done that a
lot lately and you haven't done the reaching out in ways that I grasped, but
we'll start now and make it count. I promise.
"Little Run Away" comes over the radio as we pull out of the parking
for some odd reason I find it fitting and have to smile. I then concentrate
on driving and listening to what you have to say as I head toward home.
"Home"...what a wonderful word. My little run away has come